


The Sparkliest Vampire of Them All

by handyhunter



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Crack, F/M, Sparklepires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-19
Updated: 2010-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-07 09:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handyhunter/pseuds/handyhunter





	The Sparkliest Vampire of Them All

One morning, Harmony Kendall woke up covered in sparkles.

"Huh," she said, fuzzily noting how her skin had taken on a paler cast and was not burning up in sunlight (she'd forgotten to shut the curtains last night). She hadn't had her coffee spiked blood yet this morning, and was going to be late for work if she didn't get out of bed soon. Angel was getting more and more touchy about that; pretty soon she wouldn't even be able to make long-distance calls on the company phone.

"Uh... Tim? Trevor? George? Apparently you and I... you know, and I'm sure I rocked your world and all, but... I gotta go to work, so... Hello?"1 Harmony nudged the guy sprawled out next to her. He was all cold and statue-like and staring at her with black eyes. "Oh, good. You're awake. It's been nice knowing you, but could you, um, get out of here now?" She gave him a helpful shove towards the door, and this time, both of them glittered (maybe Angel had necrotempered glass installed in her apartment; she'd have to remember to thank him later, but first she had to get rid of this guy). She grimaced. "I gotta shower before I go to work. Angel's not so, you know, about sparkles."

The guy leaned forward, staring at her intently (which was kinda creepy, actually; how many drinks did she have again last night? She remembered Fred saying something about getting it on or maybe that was going on home, since it clearly wasn't Fred here…) and then he let out this amazingly long breath.

Harmony sneezed. "Jeez. Did you eat someone's grandmother last night?" He blinked at her slowly. "Oh, uh. Don't worry, my lips are sealed. I mean, hey, we all slip from time to time, right? I won't sic the boss on you. But you might want to do something about the dead flower breath." With that she disappeared into the bathroom and began getting ready for the day. If the weird guy was still there when she got out, she'd just drag him out the door when she left. One of the (many) benefits of being a vampire.

"How did you know I was a vampire?" It was the first thing he'd said all morning. He hadn't left, though he'd put on some clothes (unfortunately – hey, she did have some standards, and what was the point of being selective if he wasn't at least pretty?), and was just sitting on the bed. Harmony dropped the towel she was using to dry her hair and grabbed her hairbrush from the dresser. It figured. The guy didn't even make coffee or bring her a live warm snack. The o-negs were in her fridge; it wasn't like it was _difficult_ to use a microwave. Just once, she'd like to have a guy treat her right.

She sighed and thought about baring her fangs, but that would mess up her makeup and if she got into a fight (which she didn't like to do, because _ow_), she'd end up even later for work than she already was. "Are you kidding me? No heartbeat, cold skin, lame '80s fashion. You know, the usual. I can give you some tips if you want on how to blend in better – and maybe later we can go shopping and update your wardrobe - but can we do this on the move? I can't leave you here because my landlady'll pitch a fit, and do you have any idea how difficult it is to find an affordable apartment in this area?" She yanked on his arm – maybe a bit too hard, but he was a vampire: he'd be okay – to get him moving.

"No, not that way." Was he really that dense? "You can't go out in the sun! We gotta go down through the sewers." She was working up to convincing Angel to give her one of his cars, as a three-month bonus. (He gave Spike cars, didn't he? And it wasn't like Spike did any work.)

"You don't happen to have a soul do you?" she said, conversationally. Maybe if she brought Angel another good vampire, he'd give her a car.

"No, I'm a monster," he muttered, stepping carefully around the remains of a slime demon of some sort. Harmony pulled out her blackberry and sent a note to Clean Up. And then one to Wesley, now that she thought about it (and the last time he yelled at her, very Britishly, about _evidence_ and _priceless artifacts_, like they were on CSI), in case he wanted to poke around in the slime. He'd better hurry, though; Clean Up was pretty fast and efficient when it came to these sorts of matters. She should remember to book them for her apartment soon.

"Hmm." Harmony patted his arm sympathetically. "Wolfram and Hart's got some people who could take care of that for you. Not the de-vamping part – R&amp;D doesn't have that figured out yet – but we employ some of the best demonic psychics, uh, _psychologists_ around. Or Lorne could probably hook you up with your own gig. The dark, brooding look is all the rage these days."

Although, did they really need two broody vampires in the office? Spike seemed to be headed that way too, which was a shame; hopefully, it was just a phase he'd snap out of soon— No. She was done with him, she told herself firmly. Washed her hands clean of him. "Clean," she said, with feeling. "Um, here! I mean, we're here." She punched in her code to the elevator and he followed her in without saying a word. It was starting to get annoying.

"Harmony!" Angel barked before the doors even fully opened. Harmony stifled a sigh. It was going to be one of those days. "Where have you been? We have meetings to schedule and I need you to order _blah blah blah_…" Sometimes, it was best to let him go on a bit and vent. "…sparkles?!"

Crap. He noticed. "What, boss?" She did her best to sound innocent - was it her fault the sparkles didn't come off in the shower? - and moved around a stack of paper so it looked like she was getting down to work _right away_.

"We've been over this, Harmony." Angel looked a bit peaked. Maybe he was going on a diet. "You can't wear glitter to work. It's unprofessional and possibly offensive to some demon clans… Who is this? Why is there an unidentified and unsecured vampire in my office?"

"I don't _know_," she said. "He won't stop following me."

"And why is he glittering too? Never mind. I don't want to know." Angel held up his hands, as to physically ward her off. "I want him gone before I come back, and those contracts on my desk in an hour."

"Angel, I—" Fred appeared in the doorway, blocking Angel's path. "Oh, I didn't know you were in a meeting. I'll come back."

"No, it's fine. Are the others here too?" Angel moved to sit behind his desk. "Good, come in."

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhh," yelled Spike, who entered on Wesley's heels. He'd taken one look at her and run away, muttering something about [a magic box](http://handyhunter.livejournal.com/112884.html). Good. She showed him. About time, too. (Although, she'd have to work on her glare; she didn't want to scare off potential dates.)

"Spike!" Wesley called out. "We're not done here! Oh, what's the use?"

"Whoa," said Gunn, "what's up with Blondie? And why is your four o'clock meeting here so early?"

"Glitter-bug is a Wolfram and Hart client?"

And that was how the apocalypse started.


End file.
